No Longer Alone
by merlinfan42
Summary: Merlin is strong of mind- everyone knows that. But appearances can be deceiving. Beneath the strong exterior is a crumbling interior. Merlin turns to physical pain to make the mental pain go away. Yet, maybe all he needs is a renewing of friendship. (I'm TERRIBLE at summaries... let the work explain itself. M for some self-harm.
1. Author's Note!

**Hey guys-**

**This is my first ever fanfic... I'm not a super confident writer, but I want to be! So feel free to review positively or negatively- but please be nice about wording your constructive criticism. :)**

**I love Merlin and I'm sure if you're reading this, you do too! Also, if you have ideas of where you want this story to go, let me know! I'm literally just letting it write itself, I don't have it all planned out right now.**

**Have a great day!**


	2. Introduction

INTRODUCTION

Merlin never let anything get him down for long. Everyone knew that. He was like a duck with water just rolling off his back.

Like the time he drank the poison for Arthur. Obviously Arthur had saved him by getting the mortius flower, but Merlin had pulled through quickly afterwards, and was back to being his usual clumsy, and according to Arthur, idiotic self.

Then there was the time the veil between the two worlds of the living and dead was torn and Merlin saved Arthur's life. He was saved by magic, yes. But he was back saving Arthur's hide within a day.

And of course, he could withstand the misery and insults that Arthur rained down on him. He would just respond with some cheeky insult and then duck out of the way when Arthur threw vases or pillows his way. Sometimes both if it was a particularly bad day.

It was like he simply cared about other people, especially Arthur, more than himself. Almost anyone who interacted with him could see that. They noticed he was always cheerful, kind, and friendly to everyone he saw. They had no idea what lay beneath the happy exterior.


	3. Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1-

Merlin went day to day, weighed down with the enormity of his destiny and the slowly accumulating wounds and scars he was adding to his body. He cared about Arthur, but some days he just couldn't stand him. Merlin felt like Arthur was aging him faster than he had a right to- and Arthur was completely oblivious. Of course, he couldn't necessarily help it, as much of a prat as he could be. Merlin sighed to himself. _Why couldn't my destiny have been to help Gaius and become a great physician? Why did I get stuck being the most powerful warlock in the world who has to hide his magic and play the idiot manservant to the one prince whose father raised him hating magic?_ Of course, Uther was gone now, but Merlin was still hestitant about revealing his lifelong secret to Arthur. The time didn't feel right yet.

Arthur was having an especially bad day, and Merlin was trying his best to stay out of his way. His efforts were in vain, however, when he dropped an empty jug and made his ears ring with the clatter. Arthur blew up at him, yelling about how clumsy and incapable he was. Merlin just stared at the floor. He was in no mood for the insults today. He was too heavy with other thoughts to think of retorts to launch at his prince.

"I apologize, my lord. I will clean it up and be on my way, if you don't need me for anything else." Merlin glanced up and saw that Arthur had already stuck his hands on his face at his desk. He was dismissed.

Making his way back to Gaius's chamber, he decided to detour. He swung by the kitchen and nabbed a small knife without being seen. He knew he shouldn't, but he couldn't help it. Merlin ran up through the winding hallways decorated with tapestries and torches. The occasional passersby would give Merlin a friendly smile, shaking their heads at the young manservant who was always running. He aimed for the stairs to the tower he always went to when he wanted to be alone. Merlin was huffing slightly when he reached the top. Clearly, the running around he did for Arthur was not keeping him in very good shape.

He checked to make sure no one was there before completely dropping the pathetic remnants of his facade. He sank to the floor, back against the wall and allowed himself to be swallowed in his miserable thoughts. His destiny, his scars and wounds, Lady Mithian coming, Gaius getting older, the constant chores... Merlin didn't know how long he was there, but the light was starting to fade by the time he became aware of his surroundings again.

Before he lost the light completely, he grabbed the knife and slit his finger just enough to have a small trickle of blood. He put the knife in his pocket as soon as he saw the blood. Weapon hidden, Merlin sighed and leaned his head back against the wall, embracing the pain and welcoming it. He closed his eyes.

If anyone asked, he would say it was an accident, which considering his clumsiness, wouldn't be hard to believe. That's why he chose his finger. Wrists were a little harder to explain. But a finger? Easy cover up.

"_Mer_lin. What the hell are you doing?"

Merlin's eyes shot open at the sound of the last voice on earth he wanted to hear.

"Sire! I'm sorry! I- I just needed to- ..." Merlin's excuse faded out as Arthur interrupted him. "I know you only come here when you aren't yourself. So what's wrong? Why is your finger bleeding?"

"Well, considering it's been a terrible day combined with the berating you gave me earlier, you prat, I needed to get away for a while. And it's nothing- it was an accident. I'm fine."

Arthur stared him down, clearly deciding whether or not to believe him. Regardless of his conclusion, it appeared he was going to let it go. "Well, get up then. Lady Elena and her father are here. We need to go meet them." Arthur held his hand out and said, "Come on, you. No moping. I actually miss the prattle you so kindly bestow upon me."

Merlin looked up at him, his eyes wide. This gesture of friendship could not have been more small, but it meant the world to him right at that moment.

**Not all the chapters will be this short, sorry! I know it's short, and I know I like longer chapters. :) I'm gonna do my BEST to update weekly, but no promises! Thanks for reading!**


	4. Chapter 2

Chapter 2-

As Merlin and Arthur worked their way down the stairs and through the hallways, Merlin had his mask back on. He was talking Arthur's ear off with some gossip from the lower town about Cook. As he talked, Merlin took a good look at Arthur. His hair was looking a darker blond than normal, indicating it was past time for a bath. He hadn't missed bath day, had he? Why was his hair so greasy? There were deeper circles under his eyes than usual, and his clothing looked wrinkled.

"Arthur," Merlin interrupted himself. "Did you sleep in your clothes last night?"

Arthur looked surprise in the sudden change of topic and tone. He had the sense to look a little ashamed of himself as he nodded slightly.

Merlin narrowed his eyes. "Why?"

"What are you, my mother? I was busy, so I worked until I was done, and then it was too late for me to care what I was wearing to bed."

"I may as well be your mother at the things I do to take care of you. What time did you go to bed?"

"_Mer_lin! It was late, I'm fine. My clothes are fine. Stop being such a girl. Only girls fuss like you do."

Merlin huffed and was silent. He would have a word with Gwen about Arthur's sleep schedule.

Elena was a beautiful woman who they had the fortune of meeting several years earlier. She had been quite eccentric, though only Merlin and Gaius knew why. She had been possessed, and Merlin and his uncle had freed her. After that, she had transformed into a gorgeous, well-mannered, sweet, funny young woman.

Merlin was happy to see her. It had been a while since her last visit, and the castle was buzzing with excitement to see how she had turned out.

"Welcome back to Camelot!" Arthur exclaimed, hurrying down the front steps.

"Thank you, Sire!" both Elena and her father responded. "It has been a long time in coming, but it is nice to be welcomed back with such hospitality and open arms!"

Merlin stood off to the side, grinning happily. Finally something that genuinely made him happy. It was about time someone other than himself have to entertain Arthur for periods of time longer than an hour.

At dinner, Elena kept asking Merlin to serve her. He happily obliged, as Arthur was deep in conversation with her father, discussing matters of state.

"So tell me Merlin, how have you been since we last saw each other? It's been a long time!"

As Merlin poured her wine, he slowed it down to a slow trickle so as to have time to answer her question. "I've been doing well, thank you Lady Elena. I mean, as well as someone can be who has to do everything for the King day and night." He smiled at her to show he jested.

"Oh, I'm sure all this success and peace is your doing," she joked.

Merlin laughed, a true laugh, at her response.

Later that night, Merlin knocked at Lady Elena's door. He was so tired, but he had to check in with her one last time for the night to make sure she didn't need anything. She opened it, shaky and pale. She opened her mouth to make a request, but taking one look at him, she decided to ignore her needs and put him first. Poor boy. She said, "Merlin. Go to bed. You're exhausted. I'll see you tomorrow and you can do some things for me then."

Merlin, too tired to notice her condition and being the ever obedient servant, responded, "As you will. Good night, Lady Elena."

"Please, Merlin, call me Elena."  
>"Yes, Lady- er, Elena."<p>

"Merlin! Merlin!" Gaius knocked at his door, trying to wake him up. "You're going to be late for both Arthur and Lady Elena!"

Merlin opened his eyes, groggily. "I'm up, Gaius, I'm up!" He pulled himself out of bed and grabbed for his clothes. Today, he would try to look his best. After all, Elena was here, and she might even keep Arthur occupied enough for him not to worry about chores or protecting his sorry ass.

He ran his hands through his messy hair as he left his room and grabbed a biscuit on his way out of the infirmary. Today had the potential to actually be a good day!

As Merlin walked through the castle, he glanced out the window and saw the positioning of the sun. Fudge nuggets, he was really late! He dashed through the halls towards the kitchen, hoping that both royals he was attending had slept in.

Merlin decided to do ladies first. He grabbed Elena's breakfast and started quickly walking towards her chambers. It smelled delicious.. Ham, strawberries, sausage, cheese, and bread. What a breakfast. The aroma was just killing him so he walked a little faster, determined to get the offensive food away from him.

He knocked before entering and as he looked up, he stopped short. _What the hell happened? _Elena was on the ground near her bed, in the same gown as last night. He dropped her breakfast on the table and ran over.

"Elena! Elena, can you hear me?" Merlin pressed his head to her chest, listening for a pulse. There was none. He grabbed her wrist and felt for her pulse. There was none.

Merlin started breathing quickly, scared. "GUARDS!" he bellowed. "HELP!" Sir Leon, who happened to be near skidded in and quickly assessed the situation. He stooped and scooped up Elena, who was pale and cold.  
>"Merlin, I'll take her to Gaius. Go tell Arthur what happened. Quickly now!"<p>

Merlin was in a daze. He kept taking wrong turns as he thought back to the previous night. _I should have paid attention to her when I checked in! She might have needed help! Why didn't I press it? Dammit Merlin.. Mum would be ashamed of you... Shit. What am I going to tell Arthur? He's going to kill me! _

He finally arrived at Arthur's chambers and walked straight in.  
>"<em>Mer<em>lin! How many times have I told you to knock before you enter?" Arthur asked, annoyed, as he looked up from his desk. "And where the hell have you been? My-" he stopped, taking a look at Merlin's face. "What's going on? Why do you look like death?"

"Sire, it's Lady Elena! I found her on the floor in her chambers this morning... Arthur, I think she could be on death's doorstep."

"WHAT? Why is she about dead? Didn't you check on her last night? What happened?" Arthur got up and started running to Gaius's. "Come on Merlin. We need to be there yesterday!"

Merlin followed silently and automatically. Tears were starting to fill his eyes and blur his vision. How could this happen? Why did this happen to her? What if someone had poisoned her? Now he had to worry about Arthur and his food and drink. Why couldn't his life just be easy for one day? And now Arthur thought it was Merlin's fault...His fault? Bullshit! But, a small part of his mind played devil's advocate. _Maybe it is my fault. I should have asked how she was. If she needed anything. How she enjoyed the evening... Something!_

Instead of following Arthur all the way to Gaius's, he veered towards his tower. Merlin couldn't cope with this. Just yesterday evening- not even 24 hours ago she'd been making him laugh! Laugh! He hadn't laughed like that in weeks! And now she was gone... And it was his fault.

He spun against the wall roughly, sitting down quickly. He grabbed the knife from his pocket and, without thinking, slit his wrist. The pain. White hot pain. It felt so good. Merlin let his tears of grief and anguish fall. He slit again, this time on the other wrist. _That one was deep.. Let it bleed. I deserve it. _He made another slit in each wrist. _I can't handle this anymore. No more deaths. No more blame. No more responsibility. _Just pain.

Merlin looked down and saw blood all over his pants and the floor. That was a lot more than he was expecting. As he stared at it incredulously, his vision blurred. He felt lethargic as everything started going dark. _No more responsibility.. No more destiny..._

Arthur made it almost all the way to Gaius's before he realized Merlin wasn't there, and he wasn't listening to his rant about responsibility and attentiveness. He stopped. Merlin had just been right behind him...

Arthur's brain clicked as he realized where Merlin went. He took a step towards the infirmary, but decided to get Merlin instead. He switched directions and went to the tower.

What he found there was horrifying. Arthur stopped in the doorway, shocked. Merlin was slumped against the wall, head back and eyes closed, ghostly pale, and was soaked in a pool of his own blood. He didn't look to be breathing.

"MERLIN!" Arthur shouted. "No! Merlin! Gods, no. Merlin, wake up! Please wake up!" He struggled to hold himself together as Merlin lay there, unresponsive.

This was his fault.. Arthur couldn't believe he'd missed this. Merlin was cutting? He must have really been miserable... and, overworked? Why had Merlin cut himself?  
>He gathered Merlin in his arms and went to Gaius as fast as he could. Tears rose to his eyes, and he shook his head. No. Time to be strong. Merlin needed strength, and damn it all, Arthur would give it to him.<p>

**Next update soon! Reviews, please! :) Any ideas?**


	5. Chapter 3

Chapter 3-

There was a shape above him. It was blurry and a little more colorful than the dark swirling around him. Merlin struggled to focus on it. As he started regaining more consciousness, the shape took on blonde hair, strong shoulders, and a red shirt. Merlin blinked. Arthur was slumped over in a chair next to his bed, looking exhausted as he slept. Merlin was confused. Why was Arthur sleeping in a chair beside him? As the thought crossed through his head, he became aware that his arms felt heavy. He shifted and looked down. His arms were on top of the sheets that were tucked in around his body up to his chest. They were swarthed in bandages. _Shit, I must have cut too deep and passed out... SHIT! Which means Arthur knows! Shit..._

Arthur's head shot up as he heard Merlin shift.

"You're awake! Thank the gods! How do you feel?"

"Like the entire army is sitting on each arm and my head.. What are you doing here? What time is it?"

"It's mid-morning. You went unconscious yesterday morning." Arthur looked at him, concerned, but continued with his usual prat-like tone, "Your idiot brain thought it would be a good thing somehow to cut yourself... And leave it to you, you cut too deep. I figured out you'd run off by the time I got here to check on Elena, so I turned around and went to your tower, figuring you went there. Turns out I was right."

Here Gaius made himself known. "And lucky for you he did, Merlin. Even half an hour more and you would have lost too much blood to recover from. You're weak, so I'll save the berating for later. But Merlin, whatever made you decide to do such a horrid thing- there are other solutions. Cutting is a very serious self-harm, it's not to be done lightly. It really shouldn't be done ever, actually." Gaius looked at his ward with sorrow, wishing he had been able to see this coming.

Merlin looked down at his hands, slightly ashamed.

"I just couldn't handle... Too much... The last straw was Ele- oh no!" Merlin started thrashing, trying to get out of his blankets. Arthur and Gaius moved to subdue him, but he had moved too quickly and started to black out again, even as he tried to ask about Elena. With the words half-formed on his lips, Merlin slumped back, unconscious once again.

Arthur and Gaius looked at each other, unsure how to tell Merlin about Elena.

How could they tell him it looked like Merlin had poisoned her at dinner?

When Merlin awoke next it was dark. He remembered Elena much quicker this time. Merlin called for Gaius, his voice sounding much weaker than he wanted it to.

"Gaius!" As he waited, Merlin slowly sat up, and put his legs over the side of his bed. The room spun slightly. He closed his eyes and willed it to stop.

"Merlin! You need to be in bed! What are you doing?"

"Gaius, I know. I also know you guys won't tell me what happened to Elena. Is she ok?"

"My dear boy, I think it would be better if you heard it from Arthur. He's on his way now, actually."

Merlin glared at Gaius. _What the hell! It's not like she's dead or anything... There was no cause for it! So why won't anyone just give me a bloody straight answer?!_

True to Gaius's word, Arthur soon arrived. To the casual observer and to someone who didn't know him backwards and forward, he looked calm and collected. But Merlin looked at him and noticed his ruffled hair and quick eye movements. Those only appeared when something was wrong. Arthur always ran his hands through his hair if something was bothering him, and the quick eye movements came when all was not right around him.

"Arthur. What's going on?" Merlin's frustration was starting to show. "Why are you on edge? Why will no one tell me?" His voice rose at the end.

"Merlin..." Arthur began. He closed his eyes and started again. "Merlin, there's no easy way to say this. But Elena seems to have been poisoned. And," he opened his eyes and looked at Merlin. Merlin saw a raw pain there he'd never seen before. "It looks like you poisoned her. It was found in her cup, and in the jug you were using to serve her."

Merlin's jaw dropped. "What? Arthur! You know I would never- She was a sweet woman! I would never poison her!" He paused. "Why would _I_ poison anybody?!" _This is so wrong. She's dead, and everyone thinks I did it! How in the blazing hell am I getting out of this one? I can't go see Kilgarah, and obviously Arthur can't help me. Why can life never be easy?_

Arthur sat next to Merlin and put his hand on his shoulder. "Merlin, I don't know what happened. I don't think you poisoned her, but I can't ignore what the evidence says. There is a full investigation going so we can get to the bottom of this." Here Arthur started looking a little shameful. "But, I'm afraid I have to keep you under guard until we do. Because it looks like you're the primary suspect, I can't allow you to walk around free. I would be showing bias and it would not give my people a positive thought of me."

Merlin had gotten more and more stiff as Arthur talked. When Arthur had finished, he said sarcastically, "And here I was thinking my life could not get any worse. Excuse me, _my lord_, while I take care of some business." He got up abruptly, ignoring the spinning, and went over to the chamber pot where he waited until Arthur took his cue. He slumped, got up, and left with a parting comment, "I don't think you did it Merlin.. But what else can I do? I don't have a choice."

Merlin glared at his back until the door closed. He sat on the chamber pot and let his tears fall. His whole body shook silently as he wallowed in his misery. _Why me? I don't understand... _

Suddenly, something Kilgarrah would say popped into his head. No man, no matter how great, can know his own destiny. His eyes opened, and there was a determination. _I may not know my own destiny, but I sure as hell can try to shape it. I know how to be stealthy and I have magic. I will solve this myself._


	6. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4-

Arthur had left a guard outside Gaius's chamber to ensure that Merlin didn't leave. Not that it was likely, in anyone's eyes. Merlin was still weak from the blood loss. Besides, what exactly would he do in his state?

But in Merlin's eyes, he had no choice but to break out of his room-turned-prison for just one night. One night to discover the truth. One night to find out who poisoned Elena and why.

Merlin decided thinking like Gaius would be a good place to start, so he thought for a moment as he lay on his bed, waiting for dark to arrive. Gaius would have immediately checked the jug and cup for evidence of poison. Then, he'd do research, and present his conclusion. _I can do that. How hard can it be? Besides, my life is depending on this... I can't fail.._

When it was dark, and people were asleep, Merlin rose. He had never walked more quietly or stealthily than he did as he walked to his door. Merlin put his ear to the door and listened. No sounds. He looked at the crack under it. No light. _This is it. This is my chance. Ok, quietly... go!_ Merlin slowly opened the door and poked his head out. As he looked around, everything was in place. The dusty old books, the potions scattered around the room, and even the sleeping physician. Merlin crept towards the shelf where Gaius kept the items he was investigating. He was not disappointed. Merlin grabbed them and retreated back to his room. He lit a candle and inspected the jug and the cup closely. Holding the cup, he ran his finger around the rim and felt nothing unusual.

Merlin huffed as he realized that the first thing Gaius would do is smell the objects. He brought it to his nose and hestitantly sniffed. He gagged at the odor- then quickly froze and listened for footsteps. None came. He exhaled silently and pondered the smell. _How in the hell was she drinking this and not noticing the taste? How did _I_ not notice the smell? God I must have been tired..._It was a potently bitter smell that tingled his magic senses. Magic was involved. Merlin rolled his eyes as he reached that conclusion. _Of course magic was involved... It just has to be as complicated as possible for me. _But who in the magical realm -or non-magic realm for that matter-would want to poison Elena?

Merlin realized it was time to sneak out and get down to the library to do his research. _This is gonna be one long night,_ he sighed to himself. _The research has got to be done, and doing it here might wake Gaius. Time to go. _He crept out again, checking to make sure Gaius was still sleeping. He was. Good.

Merlin stopped at the door and used his magic to feel for the guard's presence and position. He felt him directly to the right of the door. Thank gods it opened inwardly. Merlin opened it a hair's breadth and looked at the guard. His eyes flashed gold and the guard yawned. Within a couple minutes, he slumped against the wall and slid to the floor with an audible thump, snoring softly. Merlin smirked as he stepped out.

Checking over his shoulder constantly, he made his way down several floors to Geoffrey's library. For the first time Merlin could remember, the old man was actually asleep. It seemed fate was on Merlin's side that night.

He wandered through the shelves until he found the poison section. Clueless as to how to begin, Merlin grabbed a book and flipped it open. _Aw, now that is disgusting...I did not need to see that._ He grimaced and quickly turned the pages looking for a poison that matched the information he had.

Book after book, and no luck. _Curses! Where the hell is it? It's gotta be here somewhere! _Merlin yanked another book off the shelf angrily, and when he did so, disturbed another book that fell into its place. It looked like it hadn't been touched in years. The binding was tatters, it was covered in more dust than Merlin thought possible. But instinct told him to grab it, so he reached up and gently removed it from the shelf. Bringing it close to him, he opened it and ta-da! There it was. The description matched. He grinned victoriously as he found it and read it. As he read, the smile faded, until a resigned look took over his face. _Well fudge nuggets. Will I never be rid of them? _Merlin grumbled to himself as he read through the information. Description of poison, the effects, general motives for use.. It was all there. He snapped the book shut and tucked it under his arm. It to make his way back to his room.

Worry crossed over his face briefly as he realized what time it was. Much more time had passed than he thought. Dawn was almost upon him. He stealthed over to Geoffrey's area and checked to make sure he was still asleep, only - he wasn't there!

Merlin's heart stopped and instinctively and without thinking cast a spell of invisibility. He crossed across the floor quickly, his heart in his throat. Letting himself out, he started feeling the effects of the magic. Using it like that in his weakened state, in addition to having been up for almost a full 24 hours was a bad idea. Although Merlin wasn't back to his chamber yet, he ducked into a corner and released the spell.

Nervously, he worked his way back to his room, his head on a constant swivel. Gods he was tired.

As he walked along the wall in one of the halls, he let his guard drop just a bit. It was still dark after all, even if not for long. Only a couple people in the entire castle would be up, and those people were not those he had to worry about.

Rounding the corner, he started grinning as he got closer to his room. Merlin could barely believe he managed to get through the night undiscovered. But the grin was soon wiped off when he rammed into a solid body. The force sent him tumbling to the ground. Quaking with exhaustion and panic, he look up into the face of the man he ran into.

"_Mer_lin, what the _hell_ are you doing here out of your room?"

Shit. It was Arthur.


	7. quick author's note

Hey guys! Brief author's note!

I've doing a little editing here and there in chapters I've already posted- just to help mould where I see this going. So, if something contradicts something else you read earlier, maybe go back and see if it's the same. If not, sorry. ;) If yes, PLEASE tell me!  
>If you were reading during the formatting and editing, I apologize if it threw you off... It got kinda messed up for a few minutes!<p>

Thanks so much for reading! I really would love reviews! I've seen a ton of visits and visitors, but only a few favorites and follows... Something I should change or add to make it better?


	8. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5-

"Uh, aren't you an early riser now, my lord!" Merlin scrambled around mentally trying to figure out how to get himself out of this mess.

"Merlin, don't even bother. I asked what you're doing!" Arthur looked angry, but there was something more. Something Merlin had to look closely to catch. His shoulders sagged. It was disappointment. He hated disappointing people.

"Arthur. Do you remember when you went on your quest to get the Golden Trident from the Fisher King all those years ago? And I followed you anyway, and helped you? Well, can't you at least hear me out before you decide to lock up the man who knows who's behind Elena's poisoning?" Merlin looked at his king almost pleadingly, imploring his friend to listen and give him a chance.

Arthur sighed, knowing he was giving preferential treatment. "Ok, but it had better be quick, and it had better be good. Now let's walk back to your chamber as you tell me. Start talking."

Merlin launched into an explanation of what he had been doing all night. He explained that he had examined the poison and used the skills and logic Gaius had instilled in him. Merlin talked him through the research he'd done to find a poison that matched his findings, and how it had led him to only one conclusion. It was two-fold. The first part was bad. Magic had been used. The second part was even worse. Elena had been poisoned by the Sidhe.

"The Sidhe? Are you sure?" Arthur was shocked. "Why would they poison Elena?"

Merlin was stuck. How could he tell Arthur about her being possessed from birth until she arrived in Camelot when he and Gaius freed her? More importantly, how could he tell him without revealing the use of magic on his part?

"Well," he responded. "I think there is something you should know. Elena was possessed by a Sidhe when she was born. That's why she was so clumsy and awkward. But it got released somehow while she was here. That's why she seemed like she'd changed at the end of the visit. She could be a normal person, without subconsciously fighting someone else's will. Because the Sidhe was released, the plans they must've had were spoiled. So they seem to be taking their revenge now." Merlin winced slightly as he glanced sideways at Arthur. The explanation sounded lame, even to him. _Please buy it, and please don't ask too many questions.. I can't answer them..._

Arthur just continued walking, slightly shocked. "So, you're telling me Elena was possessed for the first couple decades of her life?" He guffawed, "ha, that's a good one. Come on, Merlin. You really expect me to believe you?"

"Why would I lie to you? My life is on the line!" Merlin grew angry. He was exhausted physically and mentally and was in no mood to convince Arthur of things he shouldn't know in any case. "How long have we known each other? You know that I am almost always right about the things you think I'm wrong! So, trust me! Look, I've even brought the book I found! Ask Gaius if you still won't believe me. I will guarantee you he will reach the same conclusion as me." Merlin glared at Arthur.

Arthur hadn't meant to upset him like that. Gaius would probably have his head for getting him upset while still so weak from the blood loss. That was another thing, Arthur pondered. Merlin could barely stand when his last visitor had left. So, the fact that he had snuck out, gotten all the way down the the library, spent the night researching, and had been on his way back from the look of it, meant he was trying to figure out what was going on. Arthur wasn't willing to believe that Merlin was just being devious in setting the whole innocence charade up.

"Alright, Merlin. I want to believe you. But considering you're the only suspect our investigation has turned up, I am going to ask Gaius. Now," he stopped outside Gaius's door, ignoring the guard who had the decency to look guilty and confused as he scrambled to his feet. "Please, stay in your room and don't leave again. You don't need any black marks on your record in this. I want you to be innocent, Merlin. I've relied on you for many years, and I can't imagine having to go about life without your

prattle and clumsiness."

Merlin rolled his eyes as Arthur incorporated his usual banter into what would have been a touching speech.

"I won't leave my room, you prat. I don't need to now. Just, please look at the book and talk to Gaius. I know I'm right, Arthur. I know it." He heard some of the urgency in his voice, and shuddered inwardly. _I sound so desperate... I hope he doesn't think I'm as pathetic as I sound._

Arthur nodded his understanding and opened the door. "Come on, _Mer_lin. Time to be back where you're supposed to be."

Merlin made his way tiredly to his room, feeling every minute he'd spent walking and reading that night. He pointedly ignored Gaius's incredulous look, looking at his feet as he walked. He was so ready to pass out. I can't sleep. _Not yet.. I've got to try and hear Gaius and Arthur. _Merlin started praying._ Please reach the same conclusion as me, Gaius.. Please..I worked so hard to learn what I have. _

As he closed his door behind him, he heard Gaius and Arthur both started talking, trying to figure out how Merlin got out. Merlin was pretty sure Gaius knew he'd used magic, but obviously the old physician wasn't going to point that out. As the two settled down and started discussing the issue of Elena and the poison, Merlin slid down the door to the floor, listening hard to determine how convinced Arthur was.

Merlin awoke to being shoved by the door. He opened his eyes groggily and tried to figure out who had so rudely awakened him. As his eyes lost the blur of a quick wake-up, he moaned. "What's going on? What's happening?"

"You're being released, _Mer_lin. That's what. Now, why are you on the floor? Were you eavesdropping? That's rude you know." Arthur grinned down at him. "Now get up and get in bed, where you belong! Come on, move it."

Merlin wasn't tired at all after hearing the news. "What? So he got the same conclusion? And you're convinced?" He almost couldn't believe it. He ran a hand through his messy hair. "Ha, I knew I was right!"

Arthur rolled his eyes as he decided Merlin was being too slow to get up. He grabbed his hands and yanked him up. "Yes, I'm convinced. We'll continue in that direction with our investigation. And you might even be able to help" -here Arthur gave him a very serious look- "if you rest for the next day. Seriously Merlin. You need to get your strength back. I want you to know you never should feel like you have to cu- to do that again. There are people here who care about you who will talk it through with you. I know Gwen will help, Gaius will help, dare I say Gwaine. And of course you have me. You were right earlier. We've known each other for a long time, and it's about time you realized that you've become a permanent part of life here. People love you." Arthur smiled mischievously and teased, "Though I can't for the life of me figure out why."

Merlin laughed, as tears of gratitude pricked at his eyes. "You would ruin the moment, you clot-pole." But he obediently got into bed and pulled the covers up. You see? I'm in. Now leave me alone so I can sleep. The sooner I rest the sooner I'm up!" He smiled sleepily up at Arthur.

Arthur looked at him fondly and, in a rare moment of affection, leaned over and ruffled Merlin's hair.  
>"I'll see you soon, my friend. Rest well."<p>

Merlin closed his eyes as Arthur left, feeling loved and content. _Tomorrow will be a good day,_ Merlin thought. He fell asleep with a faint smile on his lips.


	9. Chapter 6

**Hey guys I am SOOOOOO sorry I took so long on the update. I just got writer's block... So I posted what I could, and rest assured, I'll make the next one (and probably final chapter) a beautifully good one! :) Thanks for sticking with me!**

**Please review so I know what to fix!**

Merlin was bored. He'd spent half a day resting so far, and had nothing to do but lay in bed. He couldn't read his magic book because people would randomly come in. He fidgeted restlessly. Merlin's sheets felt scratchy. He huffed in annoyance and kicked his feet to get them off, but he ended up getting tangled. Merlin growled, short of temper, and kicked furiously, wishing desperately he could just use magic.

The door opened and in walked Gwen. She looked at him with his brow furrowed, eyes angry, and tangled in his sheets. She sighed and looked at him with friendly affection.  
>"Oh Merlin. Come on, let me help." She walked over and pulled from the bottom while he wiggled himself free.<br>She giggled. "All better?"  
>"Yes," he grouched. Merlin could never show anger around Gwen for long and his curiosity about her random visit got the better of him. "What brings you here? Any news on the investigation? When is Elena's funeral?"<br>Gwen looked at him, puzzled. "She's not dead, Merlin. Elena lives."  
>Merlin's jaw dropped. <em>What? How did she live? She was poisoned, and poisoned by the Sidhe no less!<em>  
>"How...?" He wondered aloud.<p>

Gaius made his appearance next. Having heard the tail end of the conversation, he remarked, "Lady Elena is in a coma. She survived the poison but her body has shut down to preserve itself." Gaius looked at Gwen before continuing. "It's a miracle she survived, but we can be thankful she did. I will allow visitors this evening. But that's not why I came in. I wanted to ask how you're feeling. Spending all night out was not one of your more intelligent ideas." He raised an eyebrow at Merlin, who shrank a little at the rebuke.  
>"Yeah, well I had to clear my name now, didn't I?" Merlin stated slightly defensively.<p>

Gwen looked between the two with mild amusement. Clearly Merlin was doing better if he could fight his sheets and try and start an argument with his guardian.  
>"Well," she said. "I'll take my leave. I just came to say that I'm glad you're ok Merlin. And I want you to know that there are so many people here who love you. You're a part of this castle now, whether you like it or not." Merlin noted that her words echoed Arthur's. He wondered if she came up with it herself or if Arthur told her to say it... But who was he kidding. Gwen would say what she wanted, regardless of instruction. He tuned in as Gwen's voice took a mothering tone. "And if you ever feel like doing that self-harm again, you find me and talk. No more hurting yourself." She looked at Merlin sternly. "Ok?" Gwen waited until he nodded, and then went over and gave him a big hug.<p>

Gaius dipped his head at her as she left and closed the door behind her.  
>He looked at Merlin and said, "Well, it wasn't actually a miracle, but to everyone else it seems as if it were. I believe Elena survived because she had been possessed by a Sidhe for so long her body had developed a tolerance." He paused. "Of sorts, anyway."<br>Merlin chuckled. She had been rather clumsy and ill-mannered before Gaius and Merlin had freed her from the Sidhe.

Merlin stood up and started towards Gaius and the door.  
>"Excuse me, where do you think you're going, my boy?"<br>"I'm going to see Elena. It's my fault she's like that, so the least I can do is go see her and try to help her heal." Merlin realized Gaius was probably not going to let him. The eyebrow was up again, higher than ever.  
>"Merlin. First of all, you have not finished your day of bed rest. Secondly, I said I would allow visitors tonight! Not now!" He grabbed Merlin's arm and made him do an about face. Gaius guided him back to the bed, put his hands on the young manservant's shoulders and forcibly made him sit down.<br>Merlin sighed and resigned himself to another several hours of severe boredom.


	10. Chapter 7

**I'm SO SORRY I took so long. I came back to school 6 weeks ago, and totally had nothing for this... Last night I was like, "De, sit your ass down and write the last damn chapter!" And voila! Here it is! Sincere apologies on timing, and I hope you like the end to my first fanfic!**

Merlin sighed as he stared at his door. He'd been obedient and stayed in bed for the bed rest period. _Gaius, feel free to release me any time now... _He sighed again. Sitting up, Merlin knocked his head gently on the wall, waiting.

His eyes locked on the door as he heard the slow footsteps of Gaius on his stairs. The door opened, and Gaius poked his head in. "You can come with me and go see Elena now, Merlin."

"Finally! I thought I was going to go insane with boredom, Gaius!" Merlin leapt out of bed, eager to leave.

Gaius gave him a look. "Thank you for being obedient, Merlin. It does my old heart good to see you better."

Merlin smiled at Gaius and they walked out together. As they made their way through the halls, Gaius explained that Elena had gone into a coma and hadn't woken up yet. "You may need to draw her out with magic, Merlin. Let's see how she's doing when we get there. Clearly, she hasn't gotten worse, since no one has come and gotten me." Merlin nodded, and thought it couldn't be that bad. Her body was preserving itself, that was all. Maybe if he showed up, then she'd wake up, since he was the one who had inadvertently administered the poison in the first place. He winced. He still could not believe he'd missed it. Merlin hoped she'd forgive him.

Merlin's hope for her condition plummeted when he saw her. Her face was pallid and still. Nothing moved, she barely breathed. Merlin's own breath caught when he took it in. He dropped to his knees beside her and took Elena's hand.  
>"I'm sorry Elena.. Please, wake up. You're safe now. All is well. Everyone is worrying... wake up." He looked at her and saw no response. Merlin's guilt came back in waves big enough to be tsunamis. His head dropped so that his forehead was resting on her hand. Merlin closed his eyes as tears threatened to spill. Not thinking, he muttered, "<em>gecierran nu<em>". His whole body slumped as his guilt threatened to overwhelm him. Tears ran down his cheeks as he tried to keep quiet in front of Gaius.

"Merlin! Look!" Gaius rushed to Elena's side. "Look! She has color returning to her cheeks! Her eyes are starting to move under her lids!" Gaius was thrilled. He looked down at Merlin. "What did you use?"

Merlin could not believe his eyes. She was coming back! Elena was waking up! He knew no spell for bringing people back to the present. Closing his eyes, he thought back to whatever had just passed his lips.

"Umm, I think I said 'gecierran nu'. But I don't know where it came from.. I don't know any spells for this sort of thing."

Gaius' eyes twinkled and his eyebrow raised up just enough to notice. "Merlin, your gift is instinctual. It's unselfish. And given that it's not just a gift, it IS you, I would not be so surprised when you do things you did not think you knew how to do"

Merlin tilted his head, accepting the explanation. He knew Gaius was being vague because who knew how Elena's hearing was at the moment. But it was a nice thought, his magic being unselfish.

"Merlin?" Elena's eyes opened slowly, blinking as she took in her surroundings.

"Elena! You're awake! Thank God!"

She turned her head more fully towards him and looked at him for a long moment. "Why on earth are you on your knees and holding my hand? What happened?"

Merlin didn't know whether to be happy or distraught that she didn't remember anything. "Well, um, it would seem you were poisoned." He gulped and the rest tumbled out before she could say anything. "I'm so sorry Elena, I had no idea, but I should have and I didn't and because I wasn't paying attention, you suffered, and almost died and it's entirely my fault! I'll understand if you never forgive me!" He drew a deep breath after, having said it almost entirely in one breath in an effort to get it out.

Elena leaned her head back on her pillows processing. Her demeanor wasn't angry though. After a minute, she merely returned her eyes to Merlin and held his gaze. "Merlin. There is nothing to forgive. Apparently it happened on your watch, but it's not like you're a magical poison detector or anything." Elena chuckled at the thought of a magic-user dwelling in the walls of Camelot. "I can see it's bothering you, so let me put your mind to rest. It would have happened no matter who was serving me, because we weren't expecting it. Merlin, you aren't to blame. Do I make myself clear?"

Merlin nodded, glad she had forgiven him so easily. Now to forgive himself.

Elena held her arms out, and he got up, recognizing the request for a hug. He leaned over, and her arms wrapped around his back. It was a tight hug- comforting, reassuring. They embraced for a couple minutes while Gaius thought contentedly about his ward. The guardian in him was proud of Merlin for what he'd done and the physician in him was glad Elena was already able to talk freely and move enough for a hug. A win-win.

There was a knock on the door, and Merlin broke the embrace, wishing for a split second it could have continued. He felt so peaceful with Elena. However, his focus would soon be elsewhere. The door opened and in walked Arthur and Gwen.

Both were overjoyed that Elena had woken, and Arthur immediately had a guard send word to her father immediately.

Arthur conveyed his relief and happiness that she was fine and on the mend. Then he turned to Merlin. "I'd like a word with you, Merlin, for just a moment. Come with me."

Merlin had no idea what Arthur wanted to talk to him about, and immediately started freaking about things he hadn't done in the past few days that Arthur might get angry about. _His armor probably needs polishing, but I've been stuck on bed rest.. And gods help me, his laundry pile is probably stacked to the skies.._

Arthur had no such intentions. He had walked them to his chambers, where he sat Merlin down.

"Merlin. I have had a lot of time to think since you've been gone. Your mindless chatter hasn't interrupted me. You gave me a real scare when I found you. I thought I'd lost you. For all your faults, you really are a close friend, and I don't know what I'd do without you." Arthur looked completely serious and sincere, though his cheeks had a faint flush. He never talked like this! "So, please Merlin. If you ever get overwhelmed, or feel like doing that again, you have someone to talk to about it instead. Ok? I'm here, Gwen is here, and gods know Gaius is here. You aren't alone. I feel like I might be repeating what I told you a day or two ago, but I mean it Merlin. You have a place here, and we will do what you need to keep you healthy in mind and body."

Merlin stared at Arthur, processing what he'd heard. "Arthur, you have so much more important matters to attend to than worry about me. I'm supposed to worry about you!"

Arthur cut in firmly. "But not at the cost of your well-being. I mean it. You have friends. Talk to someone. Ok?"

Merlin nodded, slightly sheepishly. "Ok." His eyes went down to his hands, and then his eyes shot up again and he said, "Thank you. Really."

They stood up and Arthur, breaking his history of arm-grips, pulled him into a hug, and said again, "Let others worry about you, for once. Friendship goes both ways. And that's what we are. Friends."

Merlin's eyes were starting to fill, so he quickly let go, and muttered, "Yes, friends." To break the slight awkwardness he felt, he quipped, "Who else but a friend could put up with your royal pratness?"

"Hey!" Arthur grabbed a spoon and held it threateningly at Merlin's face. "Don't make me use this."

Merlin scoffed. "You're threatening me with a spoon?"

Smack. "_OW_!" Merlin laughed and grimaced at the same time. "I didn't think you'd actually use it!"

Gwen walked in with an apprehensive look on her face. "What are you two boys doing? I heard something that sounded awfully like a smack... Arthur, are you beating up on poor Merlin again?"

"What? Of course not? I never beat you up, do I Merlin?"

Merlin chuckled and soaked up the warm feeling of strong friendship. "Well, do you want an honest answer or an answer that makes you look good in front of Gwen?" He stopped and got an innocent look on his face. "I mean, what? Did I say that out loud?" He smirked and ducked as Arthur grabbed an apple and chucked it at him. "You're answering your question all by yourself!" Merlin called over his shoulder as he bolted out the door with a grin on his face.

The End.

**Author's Note: In Old English, "gecierran" means return, and "nu" means now. So he told her to return now, or come back.**


End file.
